I love my mom, I really do, but she is so annoyingly slow when it comes to technology. She wants to be up and "in" with everything that comes out. I got her to switch to Verizon since almost everyone we know is "IN" the network - so it just makes sense. But this woman acts like she's never held a phone before (and no, it's not her first cell phone).
First off, she's a righty, but is using her obviously weak left hand for everything I'm teaching her about the phone, so this slows her down even more. And by rights, she's not familiar with her new phone's buttons and doesn't really know the Verizon menus yet, but come the fuck on, use your eyes already.
All this training, without fail, ends up with me yelling at her for something - out of total frustration. I'd be a really bad help desk analyst. If I can't just grab the mouse and fix the problem, I'd be fired in a day's time - guaranteed.
So because I convinced her to download the Backup Assistant. This is a very good tool, everyone should have it if you use Verizon...this will save you so much time if you ever get a new phone - no more re-entering all of your contacts - so you could only imagine why I was pushing this on my mom. She has 53 contacts and actually took it upon herself, while I wasn't there to write down EACH number from her old phone and enter them in the new phone. She called me up all proud wanting to shout it out that she did this all by herself. I did praise the shit out of her, the woman finally took some initiative!!
But anyway, we go on the computer to create a My Account (you get backup assistant for free if you have a my account) and she wanted to do it on her own. I couldn't even sit there for a minute...the woman types with ONE finger. I know she was a typist back in the 60's and that was a long time ago, but really now, you can't remember that the keys are the same on a computer keyboard as they are on an ancient typewriter? I really did try to keep my cool but of course, ended up losing my patience and made her get up. (I bought a learn-to-type cd - good ol Mavis Beacon. Oh I'm going to wrap it up all pretty and make this a big event, please keep your fingers crossed for her.
So my mother learned today:
- How to download ringtones
- How to download phone applications
- How to access her camera phone
- How to record a voice mail (and with a happy face as she's doing it so she doesn't sound like a zombie)
- How to actually open her phone's manual.....I was highly impressed when she was able to tell ME where the speakerphone button was.
I think it was a very productive day, don't you?
Love you Mommy!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Stalker be gone!!!
1 - Who was the big shot leaving the The Palace Hotel this morning? I was told to cross the street by some really hot guy in a suit. There were machine guns (and believe it or not, since 9/11 this was the very first time I saw the machine guns - or at least that's what I think they were. Could they have been Uzi's, I don't know, but they were huge - forgive me for not being on top of my gun knowledge - I'm from NYC, but not THAT tough!) Tons of cop cars and black shiny cars hanging out. A bike messenger tried to peddle up the street and a real mean-looking woman jumped out of a truck yelling "BACK UP BACK UP". This was so worth almost being late to work for. But before I knew it, it was all over - the car doors closing and the drama driving away.
2 - Ok, stalker ex-boyfriend, you really need to go away now. I know I'm great, but I didn't think I was this unforgettable - we've been broken up for 10 years - I'm not quite sure what is going on in your life that you are holding me on this pedestal but you REALLY need to move on with your life. I don't really know how else to tell you that I don't want to be with you that you have me resorting to lies (which is what I should have just done in the first place but I thought you maybe, just maybe that you matured a little over these 10 years and could just accept what was cordial catch-up conversation - how wrong I was!!!) but if I receive any more messages like this - I promise I will change my number (and please don't make me change my number, it's such a pain in the ass):
Last night's text message from what appears to be stalker's mom but it was probably stalker himself (mind you, I had no idea who the hell could be sending this and what the HELL it was about - stalker had not contacted me in about a month after I yelled at him, so I thought I was in the clear and thought this might have been my friends fucking around with me):
==============================================================
"if this is _________(me) please call me he gave me this phone and said mom I think _______(me) hates me but I want to marry her and have babies. _________(me) he really needs you please call me".
==============================================================
Today's text message from stalker himself responding to my response of "HUH?....Who is this?":
==============================================================
"_________(me) it's ________(stalker) i am just calling because I almost died on my job yesterday and when I was bleeding all I thought about was you. I won't bother you no more. I'm sorry"
==============================================================
Oh God, what do you say to that and to someone you never want to hear from again - you just can't ignore the fact that someone almost died (supposedly!!! - don't know how much truth there is to that story - it could have been a paper cut since he IS on the dramatic side when he makes his stalker calls me to - but if for some reason he did almost arrive at death's door - I sincerely apologize for sounding so mean - I don't wish anyone any harm and I hope he recovers completely), but you don't want to keep opening the door to stalkerish behavior or else when does it ever end?
My response: "i hope you are ok but I am with someone and in love with him". I certainly do not want to talk to him on the phone and I don't have the energy to write him a book via text messaging...what else do I fucking say? He claims, once again, that he is never going to bother me, he wishes me the best, blah blah (I've heard that before). I soooooooo don't want to change my number but I have to set a limit and stick with my promise to myself that if I get one more message, missed call - anything - that's it, I will be making the call to Verizon and I'm sending his ass the bill for a phone number change (if they're still charging for that).
3 - My mailroom guys have this new procedure where they're making us sign for our group's overnight packages. I wouldn't mind so much but I hate those little screens with the next-to-nothing pencil they make you sign with. The signature is so bad it looks like a toddler holding a pen with Mommy guiding me along. The device is not very wide or long, there's no where to rest your wrist. It's just not something I look forward to and every time they come around with it I think to myself "Fuck, here we go again, I hate this stupid thing". (Sorry, my life is pretty good so this could be my biggest complaint in life at the moment).
4 - Sorry to the guy that I pretended to reach for the "door open" button in the elevator. I was just too far away and I really wasn't in the mood for company. I squeaked out "sorry" but I'm sure that you saw it was a weak attempt on my part. If you were cuter I would have dove to the buttons. Next time maybe.
5 - Stalker guy bye bye - it was so worth the $15 bucks that Verizon wireless charges to change the number. For some reason I thought it would be about $35 since I remember from years ago that regular Verizon landline service charged about that much - which is one of the many reasons why I left that monopoly and have gone with the much more reasonable and fairly decent Cable phone service...I can deal with a few staticy and dropped calls for $30 bucks a month and who actually uses their landline anymore anyway?
2 - Ok, stalker ex-boyfriend, you really need to go away now. I know I'm great, but I didn't think I was this unforgettable - we've been broken up for 10 years - I'm not quite sure what is going on in your life that you are holding me on this pedestal but you REALLY need to move on with your life. I don't really know how else to tell you that I don't want to be with you that you have me resorting to lies (which is what I should have just done in the first place but I thought you maybe, just maybe that you matured a little over these 10 years and could just accept what was cordial catch-up conversation - how wrong I was!!!) but if I receive any more messages like this - I promise I will change my number (and please don't make me change my number, it's such a pain in the ass):
Last night's text message from what appears to be stalker's mom but it was probably stalker himself (mind you, I had no idea who the hell could be sending this and what the HELL it was about - stalker had not contacted me in about a month after I yelled at him, so I thought I was in the clear and thought this might have been my friends fucking around with me):
==============================================================
"if this is _________(me) please call me he gave me this phone and said mom I think _______(me) hates me but I want to marry her and have babies. _________(me) he really needs you please call me".
==============================================================
Today's text message from stalker himself responding to my response of "HUH?....Who is this?":
==============================================================
"_________(me) it's ________(stalker) i am just calling because I almost died on my job yesterday and when I was bleeding all I thought about was you. I won't bother you no more. I'm sorry"
==============================================================
Oh God, what do you say to that and to someone you never want to hear from again - you just can't ignore the fact that someone almost died (supposedly!!! - don't know how much truth there is to that story - it could have been a paper cut since he IS on the dramatic side when he makes his stalker calls me to - but if for some reason he did almost arrive at death's door - I sincerely apologize for sounding so mean - I don't wish anyone any harm and I hope he recovers completely), but you don't want to keep opening the door to stalkerish behavior or else when does it ever end?
My response: "i hope you are ok but I am with someone and in love with him". I certainly do not want to talk to him on the phone and I don't have the energy to write him a book via text messaging...what else do I fucking say? He claims, once again, that he is never going to bother me, he wishes me the best, blah blah (I've heard that before). I soooooooo don't want to change my number but I have to set a limit and stick with my promise to myself that if I get one more message, missed call - anything - that's it, I will be making the call to Verizon and I'm sending his ass the bill for a phone number change (if they're still charging for that).
3 - My mailroom guys have this new procedure where they're making us sign for our group's overnight packages. I wouldn't mind so much but I hate those little screens with the next-to-nothing pencil they make you sign with. The signature is so bad it looks like a toddler holding a pen with Mommy guiding me along. The device is not very wide or long, there's no where to rest your wrist. It's just not something I look forward to and every time they come around with it I think to myself "Fuck, here we go again, I hate this stupid thing". (Sorry, my life is pretty good so this could be my biggest complaint in life at the moment).
4 - Sorry to the guy that I pretended to reach for the "door open" button in the elevator. I was just too far away and I really wasn't in the mood for company. I squeaked out "sorry" but I'm sure that you saw it was a weak attempt on my part. If you were cuter I would have dove to the buttons. Next time maybe.
5 - Stalker guy bye bye - it was so worth the $15 bucks that Verizon wireless charges to change the number. For some reason I thought it would be about $35 since I remember from years ago that regular Verizon landline service charged about that much - which is one of the many reasons why I left that monopoly and have gone with the much more reasonable and fairly decent Cable phone service...I can deal with a few staticy and dropped calls for $30 bucks a month and who actually uses their landline anymore anyway?
Sunday, September 23, 2007
A New Day...A New Bra...A New Woman
I've been blessed and cursed with big boobs since I was 16 years old. I don't know how these things appeared, but all I know is I went away for the summer as I always did to my aunt's house - not flat as a board, I had something going on there, but I came home and wham, I was a C cup. I was teased and admired. I had the unfortunate yelling nickname of "tits" by the boys I hung out with and "slut" by the girls - not necessarily girls I knew, just anyone who felt like throwing this name out for no apparent reason.
It took me a very long time to appreciate this commodity that mostly every woman wants. Women pay big bucks for what tends to run in my family. We come in different shapes and sizes and the mama's are now still big but they kinda flattened out, but I guess that's what happens when you are approaching retirement.
I've had a love-hate relationship with the girls for many years. I was embarrassed to go out with cleavage showing on most nights but would never cover them up - there weren't any sexy shirts that I could get away with without these things popping out. I was so one of those girls that wanted to wear what I wanted without all the negative remarks from men. I totally wanted them to overlook what was so clearly in their faces - fat chance in that ever happening.
When I turned 30 this wave of confidence took over. No longer the 16 year old C cup which I considered monsters at the time, I was now a woman with a much more mature bosom but no longer cared what anyone thought - in fact, I was proud to be at an older age with such perky things for their size. I do my best to tone them down at work (one thing I noticed about work...the more educated someone is the flatter their chest is...why is this? You never see well-endowed corporate executives - is it a pre-requisite to get a breast reduction or to use some pill to supress the growth? - I never understood this)....but when I go out it's whatever works. Not to say that I dress trashy, I don't - I'm not one of those hip-hugging wearing chicks who wear the backless shirts (are those still in?)...I would consider my style of dress casual-conservative with hints of sexiness. These babies stick out no matter what - so I have finally embraced them - they're mine and they ain't going anywhere...so I might as well let them shine!!
With that said, I got some new bras today. I had been in a bra slump - wearing some worn stretched out ones that were comfortable but things were getting so bad that I had to turn to the sexy push-up bras which are responsible for spillage. Spillage is good if you're wearing a low-cut top but not to the office in a button-down or any smooth-surfaced blouse. Spillage is sloppy looking. The sexy bras are also tight (better for support in any bra), so I was getting terrible imprints in my skin - not attractive.
I finally got fed up and went to JC Penny today for some sensible bras - these are the bras for every day use - they're not very sexy, but the selection has improved big-time over the years (big boobs and sexy bras were never found in the same sentence and as a young girl this bothered the hell out of me. I wrote Victoria's Secret a 2 page business case on why I should design bras for them saying how it was so unfair that all the bras were for girls who COULD wear push-ups and still have room to spare. Bra design might actually be my calling because it's something that still gets my blood boiling to this day - especially when I see women everywhere wearing ill-fitted bras but mostly when I run into my own problems (very selfish - I want what I want and I always think what I want is the better choice - something I need to get over generally speaking but not when it comes to my bras!!)
My new bras are great. I'm not sure if guys get the same feeling if buying boxer briefs as a woman feels when she puts on a new bra with awesome support - but it's just one of those things that can't be fully expressed in words...there are hand gestures, eye rolls and sighs that go hand in hand with the instant happiness of getting an appropriate fitting bra. It is truly like a weight's been lifted (pun intended), it makes you goofy and I can't stop cupping them and shaking them around, I want to keep admiring my new friends (the bras) - I might even name them all - they deserve all the praise I care to give them. I normally despise Mondays but I am anxious to get to bed to wake up at 5am JUST to put this thing back on (ok we all know that's a huge lie but it sounded good).
I might still write to the companies and offer some constructive criticism - like gel straps (saw this on some other bras which weren't worth buying because they offered no support) or reinforced sides - which I refer to as mini bras of armor (regular bras of armor are the long-down-to-the-waist strapless bras that us big-busted women have to wear if we want to wear a spaghetti strapped dress. The bra has boning in it and is not soft to the touch if you slow dance with a guy - it's armor, no other way to describe it). A lot of the VS push up bras have hardened sides which is good to narrow the boobs out or else they can go east/west the more the bra stretches out - we get enough of this trying to sleep on our backs....we certainly don't need this standing up. If I could get a bra designer to incorporate these two features into my latest buys, I think I would be able to die a happy woman. Until then, I'm going to enjoy what I have here and be thankful I'm lifted again.
I feel like a kid on Christmas morning - I'm never taking this thing off!
**Update**
Still loving the new bras, but I do have a complaint. No nipple control. One minute one is saying hello, the next the other is (which leads me to question, why aren't they both at full staff together?? Should I see a doctor about this?). But my coworkers must be loving me - lol.
It took me a very long time to appreciate this commodity that mostly every woman wants. Women pay big bucks for what tends to run in my family. We come in different shapes and sizes and the mama's are now still big but they kinda flattened out, but I guess that's what happens when you are approaching retirement.
I've had a love-hate relationship with the girls for many years. I was embarrassed to go out with cleavage showing on most nights but would never cover them up - there weren't any sexy shirts that I could get away with without these things popping out. I was so one of those girls that wanted to wear what I wanted without all the negative remarks from men. I totally wanted them to overlook what was so clearly in their faces - fat chance in that ever happening.
When I turned 30 this wave of confidence took over. No longer the 16 year old C cup which I considered monsters at the time, I was now a woman with a much more mature bosom but no longer cared what anyone thought - in fact, I was proud to be at an older age with such perky things for their size. I do my best to tone them down at work (one thing I noticed about work...the more educated someone is the flatter their chest is...why is this? You never see well-endowed corporate executives - is it a pre-requisite to get a breast reduction or to use some pill to supress the growth? - I never understood this)....but when I go out it's whatever works. Not to say that I dress trashy, I don't - I'm not one of those hip-hugging wearing chicks who wear the backless shirts (are those still in?)...I would consider my style of dress casual-conservative with hints of sexiness. These babies stick out no matter what - so I have finally embraced them - they're mine and they ain't going anywhere...so I might as well let them shine!!
With that said, I got some new bras today. I had been in a bra slump - wearing some worn stretched out ones that were comfortable but things were getting so bad that I had to turn to the sexy push-up bras which are responsible for spillage. Spillage is good if you're wearing a low-cut top but not to the office in a button-down or any smooth-surfaced blouse. Spillage is sloppy looking. The sexy bras are also tight (better for support in any bra), so I was getting terrible imprints in my skin - not attractive.
I finally got fed up and went to JC Penny today for some sensible bras - these are the bras for every day use - they're not very sexy, but the selection has improved big-time over the years (big boobs and sexy bras were never found in the same sentence and as a young girl this bothered the hell out of me. I wrote Victoria's Secret a 2 page business case on why I should design bras for them saying how it was so unfair that all the bras were for girls who COULD wear push-ups and still have room to spare. Bra design might actually be my calling because it's something that still gets my blood boiling to this day - especially when I see women everywhere wearing ill-fitted bras but mostly when I run into my own problems (very selfish - I want what I want and I always think what I want is the better choice - something I need to get over generally speaking but not when it comes to my bras!!)
My new bras are great. I'm not sure if guys get the same feeling if buying boxer briefs as a woman feels when she puts on a new bra with awesome support - but it's just one of those things that can't be fully expressed in words...there are hand gestures, eye rolls and sighs that go hand in hand with the instant happiness of getting an appropriate fitting bra. It is truly like a weight's been lifted (pun intended), it makes you goofy and I can't stop cupping them and shaking them around, I want to keep admiring my new friends (the bras) - I might even name them all - they deserve all the praise I care to give them. I normally despise Mondays but I am anxious to get to bed to wake up at 5am JUST to put this thing back on (ok we all know that's a huge lie but it sounded good).
I might still write to the companies and offer some constructive criticism - like gel straps (saw this on some other bras which weren't worth buying because they offered no support) or reinforced sides - which I refer to as mini bras of armor (regular bras of armor are the long-down-to-the-waist strapless bras that us big-busted women have to wear if we want to wear a spaghetti strapped dress. The bra has boning in it and is not soft to the touch if you slow dance with a guy - it's armor, no other way to describe it). A lot of the VS push up bras have hardened sides which is good to narrow the boobs out or else they can go east/west the more the bra stretches out - we get enough of this trying to sleep on our backs....we certainly don't need this standing up. If I could get a bra designer to incorporate these two features into my latest buys, I think I would be able to die a happy woman. Until then, I'm going to enjoy what I have here and be thankful I'm lifted again.
I feel like a kid on Christmas morning - I'm never taking this thing off!
**Update**
Still loving the new bras, but I do have a complaint. No nipple control. One minute one is saying hello, the next the other is (which leads me to question, why aren't they both at full staff together?? Should I see a doctor about this?). But my coworkers must be loving me - lol.
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