Ok, this is bad, first thing in the morning at WORK I'm going to write my first blog, but I might as well take advantage of my desire to type this morning. I actually have something to say. I must set a disclaimer that what you are about to read is not going to set the stage for a diary of my dating life (or as of right now a lack thereof). I don't want people to get excited that this is going to be a mini-series of sorts - this is not 24 and nothing here is continuous. I may talk about men today but bowel movements tomorrow (and now that I think about it...the two could possibly go hand in hand because the selection out there is shit at the moment). Let's get started.
I take an express bus and there is always some good looking guy on there. I am not chatty at all in the morning, so I say good morning maybe to the bus driver only. I have my coffee and my MP3 player and that is all I need. I see this guy on the bus occasionally and there is something about him that makes me nervous - but nervous in a way that I've had visions of sitting next to him and then somewhere on the ride, I just start holding his hand or making out with him after I start kneading his arm with my shoulder and just totally take him by surprise and give him the best bus ride of his life (this might be my dirty 30's taking control because I swear I didn't have thoughts like this in my 20's) . I can feel this guy staring at me but I am the biggest chicken shit around and can not make eye contact to save my life. I look at him as I'm scanning the bus for a seat, but as soon as I see that he's looking me directly in the eyes, my eyes change directions - I panic and get all shaky - and this would happen with any guy who makes eye contact with me on the bus. I have this wierd quirk about flirting on the bus where all eyes are on you and everyone knows "oooh these two are talking, they're having stupid conversation, do you hear this girl's voice, she whines" - how is it even possible for a woman my age to still have such childish thoughts - I should be able to flirt with whomever I want and not give a shit what others are thinking AND if I were normal (as this blog goes on you will be able to tell that I'm not), I would realize that there are probably only two nosy people who are actually paying attention to anything that's going on and everyone else is only concerned with sleeping - but since I am a paranoid lunatic this is a concept I just can't grasp.
So I'm across the aisle from bus boy, who appears to be in his early 30's...his glare is making me focus on some woman's newspaper up ahead. The fun begins as I make the lamest attempt in trying letting him know I'm interested with the fastest glance imagineable but it was so fast I couldn't even tell if he was looking back at me. Heading down the Bruckner, finally approaching 5th, I am brainstorming "how can I get more of this guy's attention?". So I do what any other sane adult would do - I start to BLAST my music. I am listening to Linkin Park but soon my favorite band is coming on the playlist (Offspring) - and my retarded logic is (I can not believe I am going to admit this out loud) - I will blast my music and when he hears my great taste in music, he'll get excited because he likes the same music too and that'll make him more attracted to me and then we'll be sure to talk soon because a guy can be clever enough to somehow start a conversation with a girl over mutual taste in music, no?
I see heads turning around constantly, now I'm self-conscious - is everyone annoyed with the volume of my player - but still I don't lower it - F them all, I have a goal here, I'm single and in my 30's, and the guy across from my could quite possibly be my future husband - ain't nobody getting in my way (but seriously, all I really want to do is smile at the guy, a little innocent smile). I'm sneaking glances at bus boy - I see his leg shaking to "Spare me the details", this is the song that I normally would lower the volume on since it's all about a guy's friend who catch said guy's girlfriend having sex with another guy at a party and it get's semi-graphic but the music is so pleasant- but where was I.....oh... I'm on the right track here...I'm brilliant...and he thinks I'm the coolest person around. (never thinking that maybe he just has a nervous twitch or anything..no no no... it's my music, it has to be). Well at some point I yawn and stretch a little but I stretch my arm back too far and hit the guy's leg behind me - I didn't even know there was any one there...crap, now I'm flirting with the wrong guy - this wasn't how it was supposed to go down - I hope bus boy didn't see that, but out of embarrassment I'm giggling and smiling to myself - he probably thinks I'm on medication at this point.
Well somewhere around 86th street the heads are really jerking around, especially from the woman next to me, but I was relieved to figure out the guy behind me was having such a loud conversation on his cell phone. But wait this isn't good after all, if everyone' getting annoyed at cell phone guy and NOT from my loud obnoxious music, chances are my music isn't even loud enough for bus boy to hear and I'm blowing out my eardrums for absolutely no good reason. I imagined the whole thing, created this little scenario in my head of a conversation he's having with his own head about how great I am all because of my taste in music - meanwhile he probably likes rap or something so totally different that even if he could hear it, he could have been thinking "what kinda crap iS this chick listening to".
It's almost my stop (51st Street), I start to gather my belongings, stand up - still feel his eyes on me but now I'm so done with the flirting (my pathetic excuse for flirting that is), I have accepted the fact that this was another wasted bus ride, and I will have to wait for next time, whenever that may be, to play out any other plans I can come up with to let this guy know I am interested in at least trying to get to know each other. I wish I were normal, I wish I could just get the courage to do SOMETHING .....maybe slip him my number and run (the commuting version of ring and run), or maybe, just maybe I can act like an adult, sit next to the guy and then strike up some sort of conversation - everyone's uncomfortable with talking to a stranger and guys always have that fear of rejection, so maybe he can't muster the courage to approach me either. Maybe one day I'll find out.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Don’t be crazy. You are thinking WAY too hard about this. We males are a simple folk and need to be hit with things directly and like a ton of bricks. If you like the guy, say hello. Prepare to be late to work one day, get off at his stop and say hello.
Yeah yeah, i know. But say hello? That's way too easy :)
Post a Comment